Post Beacon Hill Time

I'm back from Boston. Surgery went well! I was all different levels of stressed, but it's done and everything can start going back to normal.

On Wednesday, we met his parents at the hospital. Now surgery is stressful enough, but adding divorced parents into the mix makes me a bit more stressed. I spent the whole time talking my face off, while internally, freaking out. I'm filling the empty silence with any story I can think of, as I completely panic internally. Probably one of the longest days of my life. Akin to the night I spent in the hospital sophomore year when I wasn't allowed to move an inch. I spent the week getting minimal sleep. Especially in the beginning. I was the one who would wake him up and throw drugs down his throat every 4 hours. Boyfriend's recovering. Yay. God help me if something else like this happens again. My heart and body can't handle it.

Now I'm back in Wisconsin and am in desperate need of sleep. So I'm going back to bed. Cheers!

Quick Trip

I moved back to Wisconsin less than 2 weeks ago. But now I'm heading back to Boston for a quick trip. My boyfriend is getting surgery. Let's not get into the details or else I may have a nervous breakdown. But let's just say it's not just appendicitis. I'm stressed out, scared, worried... you could list just about any other adjective with those same ideas. But anyway that's a slight update. Just send a prayer or a thought tomorrow that everything goes smoothly for him. And my sanity.

Some other thoughts-

I finally got a Kindle. Gift from the boyfriend- he's too sweet. I DO still love the feel of a book. Holding it in my hands. Turning the pages. However, I do understand the logic to the electronic version of a book. I've bought a few books so far and downloaded tons of free books. Let's see how fast I can fill up my Kindle. Tehehe

Moving to Africa again is rather stressful. I wish I had put all my Uganda stuff all together when I got home... turns out I'm not that smart. I have to hunt down my Africa pants again, etc etc etc.

My computer has been getting excessively hot recently. It's kind of annoying. I think there's something wrong with it but I don't really want to take it into Geek Squad. I will have to soon... sigh...

Life changer

I just accepted a fellowship position in West Africa. I cannot believe 1) I got offered a position, 2) I'm moving, 3) I'M GOING TO BE WORKING/LIVING IN WEST AFRICA for the next year. I am so excited and yet so panicked. The place I'm going isn't exactly the nicest places in the world to work- take for example the latest news of bombings just yesterday. Part of me is jumping for joy. This is a job. In public health. With a government institution. This year of international experience will add even more to my resume. It is INTERNATIONAL experience, living abroad, dealing with the hardships, etc. And then there's the stupid side of me that goes: OMG what did I just commit myself to?!

But yes, I have a job. I'm moving to Africa again. The words: "It's not a hardship, it's an adventure" have not echoed through my head louder.

WELCOME TO AFRICA

Hello bombing and chaos. Things are crazy here. It is such a tragedy and my heart goes out to all those families who lost people in the bombing. I'm a little at a loss of what to do. I'm just sitting in the office, listening to the country director of my org on the phone. Pretty helpless.

I had posts made up in my head for the blog and was going to write once I had internet access... but now I really have nothing to say...

Here's a side note, I cut all my hair off for locks of love. Bye bye hair!!! It's a very bizarre feeling. My hair hasn't been this short since before freshman year!!! If the internet weren't so slow, I'd upload a pic.

Africa's On My Mind

As I move forward with my plans to go to Uganda, I'm both excited and nervous. Having been there before, I thought it would be easier to pack and get ready. Not quite the case. Other than the fact that I didn't have to 90 new immunizations (turns out my international immunization card is fantastic, according to the doc), I have no idea what I'm doing. This time in Africa, I have to dress professionally for work. Which means I can't just run around in t-shirts and tanks. So what to wear? No idea.

The exciting aspect is I'm really pumped to leave the US. Home will always be home, but sometimes I get tired of the materialistic mentality. I'll admit that I fall into the trap: wanting nice stuff, really caring what I look like, etc etc etc. But the thing is when I'm in Uganda, I'll be trying to work for an organization to improve what they're doing for Ugandans. And I think that's really important. It will be rather different from just going to school in Boston and having running water.

The one thing I will miss while I'm gone is my avenues for sanity. AKA my good friends. Especially the ones that help ground me when I freak out or when I need to vent. Hopefully I can stay in touch with people, though my internet options will be spotty at best.

This morning I was laying in bed. Being lazy. And the apartment door opens. A guy goes: "Hello?" It was someone wanting to show our apartment. I had no idea that was happening today. I guess they always call my roommate's phone and she's not exactly IN the US right now, so I didn't know anything about the showing. Thus there's me... not very clothed (since it is my apartment and no one is ever around and I can do whatever I want when alone)... I was like: please hold on one second!!!! I threw some clothes on and then the guy showed the apartment to this girl who was carrying the ugliest rat-dog I've ever seen. But yes, that was my awkward morning. At least I wasn't doing anything inappropriate...

And one last thought. It's really hard not to having feelings.

Klutz, Kids, Etc

Today I managed to walk into a door and a sign hanging on the wall. Not at the same time. Door and doorknob were around noon. Sign was around 4pm. Klutz? Yes. And I have 2 bruises on my right arm to prove it.

Back in Boston... only a few weeks left. It's pretty crazy and intense. I have so much to do. But one thing I can officially cross off the list is buying my plane ticket. Yeeouch, clicking the pay button hurt. But I'm off to the continent of Africa!! I'm really excited, just a little stressed at the level of stuff that needs to get done as a result of me finally making a decision at the very last moment.

By the way, I hate children. A child sat behind me on my flight back to the East Coast. He kept kicking my seat, putting his feet up against the back and pushing. I really wanted to turn around and smack him. I restrained myself... his sister was sitting there wailing, screaming, and crying the entire flight. Awesome children in that family. Remind me never to fly with my own children if I have any, or if I do, I should drug them. 

Sleepy time... will write more again.

Drinks, Flying, Decisions

So there's this drink at a bar called Skip and Go Naked. But I always think it's called STRIP and Go Naked. Which is essentially what I like to do when I'm home alone or by myself in my room. I am currently BACK in Wisconsin (as I mentioned yesterday), blogging from the kitchen table as Dumb-Dumb stares at me lazily from the other chair. And all I want to do is strip and go naked. I probably will soon...

Some thoughts on flying:

• Being overweight is highly unfortunate for travelers.
• Sitting next to someone overweight is very unfortunate for travelers.
• Delayed flights are really no fun.
• Small children screaming and crying on flights make me want to pull the emergency escape and jump out the airplane.
• I have a love/hate relationship with the aisle seat. I like it cuz I get up and go to the bathroom without crawling over someone. I hate it cuz sleeping is slightly more uncomfortable as compared to sitting in a window seat.
• TVs on flights are awesome.
• Rocking chairs in airports make me happy and sleepy

Current fav song: California Girls by Katy Perry

So Here's The Deal:
Uganda

• Serious work experience
• Living in Africa... need I say more?
• Going back to Uganda, I love it there
• Chapati...
• Getting my hands in some serious experience, to see OVC/HIV/FP programs in the real world... to see development at work (if it's working at all)

Philippines

• Southeast Asia experience (seeing things from that perspective rather than an East Asian or African one)
  
• Finish school
• Finding an internship- but hopefully in something I'm interested in
• Traveling in SE Asia (S. Korea is one stop for sure)
• Something different and completely unknown

The problem is and always shall be Money. Finishing school... Yada yada yada... finding a job. Etc etc etc. My brain does not shut up. Can someone just give me a plane ticket and I'll go where it says to go?

Decision-making is not my forte right now

I was soooooooooooooooo sure my decision was made. Well, at least 95%. The decision was the Philippines. That's where I would go. And finish my degree. Do school and intern.

Now? Not so sure. I got my proposed scope of work for Uganda (because I hadn't totally told them I wasn't doing that program) and the SOW is fantastic. Exactly what I want experience in. Ughh... what do I do? I cannot seem to make a choice and stick with it. This wishy-washy-ness is becoming a serious problem. I don't like it. So PICK SOMETHING and stick with it!! Or at least that's what i keep telling myself. So I lay here, feeling like a complete crazy person. Perfect.

Uganda vs Philippines...
Work experience vs finishing school/internship...
A place I've been and love vs somewhere brand new...
No running water or electricity vs most of the time, big city living in a developing country...
No money vs no money... oh wait, that's the same thing...

Brain Vom (dialed down for your sake)

How do you make a decision? Just pick it? Throw a dart at a wall? How do you know it's the right one? Pro/Con lists suck. They don't help.

What is your destiny? Do you create it? Or is it just something that will happen? Life is like a choose your own adventure book. Except you can't cheat by reading all the different endings.

I'm taking a poll

What should I do? Where should I go?

• Philippines
• China
• Uganda

What do you think?

PS I can count to 10 in 5 languages now... I think that's as far as it goes though. Arabic, Chinese, English, Spanish, Tagalog.

Insomnia, Insomnia

I haven't been able to fall asleep the last few nights and it's starting to bother me a lot. I'm tired during the day, can't sleep at night. All these thoughts fluttering across my brain and ideas across my eyelids when I close my eyes. It's ridiculous! I took a Tylenol PM yesterday, but I don't have any today and I figured I shouldn't start depending on drugs to fall asleep. But here I am. With my thoughts. Laying in bed. In the early AM.

Going abroad:
Applied to go to the Philippines.
In talks about working in an orphanage in Zimbabwe.
China is always an option.
Haven't heard back from Malawi.
Emailed someone about Uganda.
There's even an application to Tajikistan in there somewhere.
Pretty sure I've applied to more things that I should have.
BUT I still don't have a place to go yet.

Work:
I think about work a lot when I'm not there. Why? Cuz I can't leave things when I'm done at the end of my shift.

School:
Learning. Homework. I read a lot.

Panda-ness:
This is what I am calling it from now on, the Asian phase I'm in. Panda-ness. I am a insomniac panda right now. Sometimes I am a study panda. One time I wanted to be a stealth panda. Usually when I'm in the library, I'm a sad panda. Most days, I'm a busy panda. One of these days (hopefully this weekend), I'll be a lazy panda. See? Panda-ness. Complete with Chinese Pop music my mom brought back from China for me. LoOoOoOoVe.

Random Career Change?
Sometimes I wonder why I didn't go into Psychology. Become a Psychologist. Sounds very interesting. To understand or TRY to understand how the mind works. Fascinating. But then I would have to listen to people talk all day. Sometimes I'd be okay with that. Other days, I'd probably want to strangle my patients or send them to a mental hospital, so maybe this is a good sign. A sign that I wasn't supposed to go be a shrink.

Running:
I am trying. Aka once. No, wait. Twice. It's hard. My butt hurts. My feet are messed up. My kneecap hates me (popped it out in high school). I DID get new shoes. They are comfy and blue. I like blue running shoes. They inspire me. Other colors, not so much. Why? Because if I have to do something painful, like run. I better be able to do it with something on my feet that is pretty to look at when it sits in the corner of my room. You think I'm crazy? I don't care. It's my logic. Deal with it. I like pretty colored things.

Another Career:
Sometimes when I work at the store, I think it might have been fun to be a business major. Run a business. Etc etc etc. Maybe not though. What if you fail? Go bankrupt? Yea, that would be rough.

Vampires:
Twilight- dislike. Sorry whoever loves it, I don't. True Blood- wants to watch it. Vampire Diaries- like. Underworld movies with Kate Beckinsale- like. Buffy- Like. I am Legend- um scary. Ok so I think it boils down to me not liking Twilight. I'm sorry. I just don't find the movies as fascinatingly amazing as everyone else. As for my relationship with CW TV shows, you should know how I feel about One Tree Hill, so I'm sorry. But yes, I like Vampire Diaries. It's amusing and the boys are cute. Sue me.

As the hour drags close to... oh 2AM as I finish this word, I guess I should try closing my eyes again. Maybe I'll dream about blue-skinned vampires who are psychologists who are shrinking my head in a candy store in Tajikistan. Now that would be fun.

Dark Cloud Over My Head

Sometimes I hate reality. Real life. Being alive, having feelings, thinking thoughts. And today is one of those days. If I could just stop thinking, forget everything, and just disappear, I'd be really happy for a while.

I really need a destressor. And right now, I don't have one.

Failure

I would like to put in an order for a new brain. I CANNOT WRITE THE PAPERS I NEED TO GET DONE FOR CLASS!!! Right now I am staring at one Microsoft Word Document and it says:
"I don't know what my thesis is. I don't know what to write, FUCK!" And that's just for one class. The other papers are completely blank. Ugh! I feel completely incompetent. Maybe now I should just realize that I am going to completely fail grad school.

F#$@! Sh%$! Godd&^*#@! F^%$! F&*&! Big fat F@#%!

Calling all friends, any friends I have who love me: please come get me and take me home. P.L.E.A.S.E.

I have a stain

I would like to announce that the worrying I had been doing before has not abated. The only way I've been getting away from it is ignoring it, which is harder than you would think. It's like a stain on your jeans while you're in class or out. Constantly there, constantly bugging you. But you can't just strip off your jeans and walk around in your underwear just to avoid looking at that stain or knowing it's there. I wish I could turn my brain off, wash the stain off, but I can't. There's just a lot to think about. I think that's all I'm going to write about it for now because I just can't bring myself to type everything out and read it on a computer screen as well as hearing myself talk to... well myself in my head. Pray for my sanity because I think I'm losing it.

Bouncing nerves

So the last 2 days have been orientation for my grad school program. I am slightly overwhelmed. It's hard learning the info and details about a new school, its system, policies, etc. I'm pretty tired and worried about all the stuff I need to get done before classes start Wednesday. It seems like there's going to be a lot of reading involved for homework and class projects. I know I just graduated, so I should know how to do school still and all. But I'm a little nervous that grad school is a lot different from undergrad. I don't think I'll be able to procrastinate and slack as much. On top of that, I still desperately need a job... so money is one of the top things on my list of things to be worried about.

There are so many things to be worried about that it's hard to enjoy this beautiful city I've moved to now. Everywhere I look I wonder, "can I get a job there?" rather than "that's so cool" or "it's amazing." I feel like I'm whining constantly and am starting to feel stupid. I just hope it's not as bad as I think.