Decision-making is not my forte right now

I was soooooooooooooooo sure my decision was made. Well, at least 95%. The decision was the Philippines. That's where I would go. And finish my degree. Do school and intern.

Now? Not so sure. I got my proposed scope of work for Uganda (because I hadn't totally told them I wasn't doing that program) and the SOW is fantastic. Exactly what I want experience in. Ughh... what do I do? I cannot seem to make a choice and stick with it. This wishy-washy-ness is becoming a serious problem. I don't like it. So PICK SOMETHING and stick with it!! Or at least that's what i keep telling myself. So I lay here, feeling like a complete crazy person. Perfect.

Uganda vs Philippines...
Work experience vs finishing school/internship...
A place I've been and love vs somewhere brand new...
No running water or electricity vs most of the time, big city living in a developing country...
No money vs no money... oh wait, that's the same thing...

Brain Vom (dialed down for your sake)

How do you make a decision? Just pick it? Throw a dart at a wall? How do you know it's the right one? Pro/Con lists suck. They don't help.

What is your destiny? Do you create it? Or is it just something that will happen? Life is like a choose your own adventure book. Except you can't cheat by reading all the different endings.

A New Year

There is no better way to start off a new year than to do it by applying life lessons to your own life, cleaning out the old crap that you've accumulated over the last decade... And jamming out to the most ridiculous songs you can find in your iTunes library.

For example:
"Boom Boom Boom" by the Vengaboys
"Mickey" by B*Witched
"Blue" by Eiffel 65
"The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground
"99 Luftballoons" by... no idea
"Ooh Ahh... Just a Little Bit" by Gina G
And a crazy combination of Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and good ol' Britney

So I may be going a little bananas spending all my time cooped up at home, surrounded by the wonderful snow. But it's actually pretty fun and relaxing. I've started reading The End of Poverty but it's so dense that I have a habit of dozing off ever other paragraph. New Years Resolutions, anyone?

Here are mine:
1) Leave the country
2) Do something spontaneous and unexpected
3) Workout on a regular basis rather than my typical 2 months on, 3 months off cycle
4) Try as many new things as possible, whatever they may be
5) Say no less often

It's a start to a new decade, why not do something fun and crazy with my life this time around?!

Très bien, merci

Remember my list of goals? It's been a while, so let's assess:

1. Do well in school- I'm working on it!
2. Job- still searching, don't want to talk about it.
3. The languages: I found a way to tackle my challenging hopes for language learning. iTunes podcasts!!!!! Yea, pretty awesome. So right now, I've got some French and Arabic going on. Currently listening to a French one. I have no idea how to spell anything- I got the title from a French phrases website. And as of right now, that's all I can say. But I'm working on it! Impressive, huh? 
4. I joined a club on campus called Rotaract. I've been able to meet lots of people through it and I like it. Woohoo, I'm involved in school!
5. Still working on going abroad next year
6. Positivity? I'm still working on that one...
7. I'm super off on one of my W's and don't have one W at all. So... that goal is sucking a bit. BUT I promise to work on it

I have a test on Wednesday that I should be studying for, but I don't want to. I'm procrastinating again. The other day I had a dream that I was at an acupuncturist and had needles stuck all on my back. Super weird and creepy dream to have. Then last night I had a dream that I was watching people I know have sex. Very strange and unnecessary. I woke up and wanted to rip my eyes out. Not a pleasant way to wake up. I think being in the sickness coma and medicating myself when I go to bed is causing some weird dreams.

Au revoir!

Positive thinking

I am trying to calm myself down and take one day at a time. And today has been my "Jess" day, a day to figure things out. I have made up a list of goals I have for myself and hopefully I’ll achieve them all this academic year.

GOALS
1) Do well in school- this is a given, but it must be placed at the top of my list
2) Work at a job (or 2)- this is also a given but must be mentioned
3) Languages!!!- Yes, this goal is high reaching and completely crazy, but I think I can do it. Practice Chinese- I have found when speaking to my parents that I am adequate at best in the language that is supposed to be my heritage. So now it is my goal to improve my vocabulary and maybe actually learn to read it better. Learn/practice Arabic- I took a year of it and it was hard! I better not lose it now, though sometimes I already think I have. I need to brush up on it and learn more. Brush up that rusty old Spanish- I took it in high school, but I still remember some things. I want to improve it so I have it as a supplementary language. Learn French- I’ve always wanted to.
4) Join a club- Getting involved in school is important to me and I think it’s a great way to meet people. It’s just hard to make time for it, so I am going to try this year.
5) Go abroad (this summer or next fall)- pretty self-explanatory
6) STAY POSITIVE- I have a bad habit of being an utter pessimist and freaking out about… well everything. I want to try to be better at staying positive and calm without needing to pick up a phone and calling home.
7) WORK HARD- My 3 Ws… I want to focus on them. They are my primary goals and I need to concentrate on them. If you don’t know what they are… we haven’t talked enough.

The language goal seems a little intense, I know. But I think it’s doable. I mean, I need to concentrate on one thing at a time… and maybe the French will need to be put off for a while, due to the idea of learning something completely new makes my head spin a little. But Chinese, Arabic, and Spanish?? I truly hope they’ll be attainable. I think I can, I think I can J

I know everything will fall into place with time. I’m just not very patient and need to learn to be. I also need to learn how to sleep more, but that’s beside the point. I think I’ve rambled on enough… I really wish I could turn my brain off, but oh well…


Permanent Mantra: It’s not a hardship; it’s an adventure