teeter totter

I'm really tired of feeling crazy. It's like my normal state now, whereas normalcy is a rare event. Too many compounding issues are always nagging me and pulling me down. And really there's nothing more to say about it.

When you're standing on the precipice of change, how do you know which way to tip?

There are life-altering decisions that can be made- one way or another... And how do you know which one is the right one to choose? These are my thoughts. I can't stop thinking about them... I am officially a crazy person.

Brain convo

If I could have a conversation with my brain stem/brain/neurotransmitters, it would go something like this:

Me: Why do I feel so tired during the day and then become an insomniac at night?
BS/B/N: Because we're difficult.
Me: Cut it out! I actually want to fall asleep at night!
BS/B/N: Nahhhhhh... what you want is to feel so tired during the day and in class that you feel nauseous and in pain!
Me: Uh NO!
BS/B/N: Too bad because that's what we feel like doing to you. Suffer!! SUFFER! Mwahahaha!!!
Me: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

So that's my current problem and it's seriously messed up because I have midterms to be studying for. YET I feel so sick I can't study. This sucks.

I had my last class about women's health issues other than reproductive health today. Hallelujah! I didn't really enjoy that professor and now it's over. Let's just hope I didn't fail that last paper I wrote because I'm not sure if it actually made sense.

And seriously, 2 guys in Chicago who plotted to attack employees of a Danish newspaper, you're stupid. First, for getting caught and second, why Denmark?! That's just dumb. Read about it on NY Times. That's all I have for my Tuesday thoughts.

Très bien, merci

Remember my list of goals? It's been a while, so let's assess:

1. Do well in school- I'm working on it!
2. Job- still searching, don't want to talk about it.
3. The languages: I found a way to tackle my challenging hopes for language learning. iTunes podcasts!!!!! Yea, pretty awesome. So right now, I've got some French and Arabic going on. Currently listening to a French one. I have no idea how to spell anything- I got the title from a French phrases website. And as of right now, that's all I can say. But I'm working on it! Impressive, huh? 
4. I joined a club on campus called Rotaract. I've been able to meet lots of people through it and I like it. Woohoo, I'm involved in school!
5. Still working on going abroad next year
6. Positivity? I'm still working on that one...
7. I'm super off on one of my W's and don't have one W at all. So... that goal is sucking a bit. BUT I promise to work on it

I have a test on Wednesday that I should be studying for, but I don't want to. I'm procrastinating again. The other day I had a dream that I was at an acupuncturist and had needles stuck all on my back. Super weird and creepy dream to have. Then last night I had a dream that I was watching people I know have sex. Very strange and unnecessary. I woke up and wanted to rip my eyes out. Not a pleasant way to wake up. I think being in the sickness coma and medicating myself when I go to bed is causing some weird dreams.

Au revoir!

Stress and Sh*t

My life has become a sort of rolling stress bubble. What does not disappear becomes rolled into my giant sticky ball of stress. Imagine a huge bubble ball rolling down the brick sidewalk/road of New England with me walking inside of it like a hamster inside of its ball. WITH all these stressful things jiggling around inside the ball with me. So welcome to my world.

I hate getting sick. Especially during the school year because then I don't want to do any work, but I have to. The pressure in my sinuses is so bad and my head feels like it's a huge balloon. This is just not cool. Problem is: I have a big paper due... oh TOMORROW. I have like 1 page written. Needs to be 6. We'll see how this goes. Also because there are more important things to be doing in life right now. Like what you ask? Oh... let's see:

blogging- which is what I'm doing right now. 
Vampire Diaries- yes I'm getting sucked into a show about Vampires. Yes, I still hate Twilight. I think I only like this show due to the music they play throughout it. Anyway, judge me. It's okay, I do it all the time.
Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice- new episodes tonight, I will not miss them. Grey's Anatomy has seriously got to stop firing people or else I'm giving up watching it like I did back in seasons 3 and 4 and most of 5.
SLEEPING- my head hurts, I'm tired. I look like crap. Yes, I just want to go to bed.

Curse the sickness. It's going to kill me, I swear. Stupid HIV... if only you didn't exist. Then I wouldn't have to write all these freaking papers about you. Stupid stupid virus.

Hmm...

I love:

The movie Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley
The smell of rain
Cuddling with someone I love

I have a love/hate relationship with:

Ice cream, pizza, and lots of other junk food (because it tastes so good but makes me fat)
Airports (it means I'm traveling to go somewhere, but I kind of hate them)
Cranberry juice (it goes well with vodka but it also goes well treating a UTI and stains my clothes)

I have 3 papers to write and no motivation. It seems to be the theme.

PS: Flamenco music is p.r.e.t.t.y. cool

Twiddling My Thumbs

It's hard to do work when you have absolutely no desire to do it. This is my issue right now. I have managed to waste at least a day and a half... procrastinating so much. I think I've checked facebook way too much. It's very unhealthy. I have also managed to think that Britney Spears' new song "3" is kind of catchy. Too bad I still have 3 papers to write. This could be a problem.

Bounce thoughts, Bounce

I bought a dress I can't afford today. I can't afford it because I have no money. But I love the dress. So I bought it. But who knows when I'll actually wear it because 1) it's kind of fancy 2) I need to lose weight to look better in it 3) I don't have anyone I feel the need to impress here.

I don't like doing homework. I procrastinate constantly.

I'm really full right now... Garlic bread pizza is awesome. But now I want a beer.

Glow in the Dark condoms... I find them an interesting invention (not that I have recent experience)... it would be like a light saber... think about it.

I painted my toenails red. I think painted toenails are cuter than non-painted toenails.

I need to work out more. I want to run a 10K.

5 more days!!!

So... 5 more days until I get to go back to my alma mater for Homecoming!!! SOOO excited!!! I think it's kind of cool that now it's actually "homecoming" for me, being an alum and all. I am so excited to see all my friends! The one goal will be not to get TOO drunk. We all know how my liver works... not well... and I don't want to be super hungover any of the days I'm in Madison. We'll see how that goes.

So I'm currently in super procrastination mode. I haven't really done any homework all day, but I really need to. Since I'm going to be in Madison all next weekend and I have papers due the following week, I really need to get work done. Too bad I can never get anything done unless I'm under pressure. And right now, no pressure is being felt. Ugh. Someone needs to light a fire under my butt or something.

Alright, let's discuss some current things I like right now

Music: Jay-Z's The Blueprint 3 CD, The Noisettes (a British Indie rock band), Marié Digby
Books: Honestly? I haven't had any time to do any pleasure reading, so I have no idea.
Food: tomato basil bread
TV shows: Grey's Anatomy (the new season rocks), One Tree Hill (it's not that great and I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to tolerate it), Gossip Girl (yes, I got into this show and I think its great)
Movies: Haven't seen any new ones recently- can't afford to go to the movie theaters.

Happy Sunday!

My Boobs are Burning

Yea, you read it right. It's actually more my cleavage and only a little part of each boob. It BURNS. I have no idea why. I took a shower and then... I felt it BURNING. WTF?! And now there is a red rash in my cleavage. WTF?!?!?!?!?! My. Cleavage. BURNS.

Last night I went out with my neighbors and it was a lot of fun! The problem is I got very hungover... Tequila, Bad. Beer, Bad. More Tequila, Bad. I hate being hungover.

But here's the thing... I may be going out again tonight... tehehe...

BUT MY CLEAVAGE/BOOBS HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

There is no theme to this one

These are the thoughts of my day...

1. TV is one of the best inventions ever. It's amazing the amount of time you can waste watching TV. It's also amazing that you can use it to forget everything else in your life for a snippet of time.
2. Drinking many Diet Cokes in a row is never good or healthy.
3. I don't like cutting fingernails because it feels weird afterward.
4. I really don't like writing papers.
5. I think I know what classes I want to take next semester... but that always changes.
   
6. Though I know for a fact it's because I haven't been sleeping and it's pointless to say, but I'm tired.
7. I believe the not-sleeping is making me seriously insane, more than normal. Which is never a good thing. Makes me react insanely to... well everything.
   

That's all I got. Actually I have more... but I'm too tired to write it all out via blog. Read my mind, it's easier that way.

Annoyances

Psst East Coast Girls: Tights are not pants. If your shirt doesn't cover your butt, you are not allowed to wear only tights. I do not want to see the outline of your underwear. The end.

Hey You, Asian Dudes: If your hair is like 4-5 inches long, how much hair gel does it take to make ALL your hair stand STRAIGHT up? Must be a lot because it's not moving, even with wild gusts of wind. Not okay. If your hair isn't standing straight up, it is still so well styled I want to put you in a hair museum... but it's not moving in the wind either... which means: way. too. much. hair. product.

Squeeks: You are the annoying Asian girl who is in 2 of my classes. I call you Squeeks because your voice is squeeky. You sound like you're 4. Actually you kind of sound like the little Asian girl on the PC commercials. Problem is, she's cute. You are not. You have the most enormous ROCK on your left hand. It blinks like morse code whenever you raise your hand to ask a question in class. And you raise your hand VERY OFTEN. Stop asking stupid questions. Read the slides. The answer to your questions are always already in the slides. SHUT UP.

These are the things that annoy me.

Rated at least PG-13

It turns out that no matter how I try, I can never stop being a night owl. I seem to work best when the rest of the world is sleeping. I've been told this is bad for my body, my skin... just about my everything, but tell that to my brain!

You are forewarned that this post was done at 1am and is rated at least PG-13, probably more along the lines of R.

Again, you are warned that this is me in full effect...

I realized today that I chose the right field to pursue a career in. If you know me well, you know that one of my favorite topics of discussion is sex. Just plain, honest sex. Don't hold back, as dirty as you can get, sex. I like things that make people squirm uncomfortable. I like honesty. Think about it though, sex is as honest as it gets (unless you're getting raped and that's a whole other topic or if you lie your way into the actual action or a whole number of things... I guess I'm talking more about the actual action of doing so if you're doing it with someone you like/love/whatever). If you're completely in action, sex is honest. You're naked, completely exposed, vulnerable... People, it's all out there to be seen. Hello skin! (Well... unless it's pitch black and you're just grabbing at things...) Overall nothing to hide. I like it!

Okay, you're probably reading this and going: oh Jess...
Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know... But really, it's not my fault. I've been flipping back and forth through this book called The Wisdom of Whores: Bureaucrats, Brothels, and The Business of AIDS. Writing a critical book review for one of my classes... I've written paragraph after paragraph about safe sex, anal sex, oral sex, bodily fluids, gay, straight (okay there's the occasional intravenous drug user and dirty needle bit thrown in there)... reread parts of the book, reread parts of the paper... for the most part: sex sex sex... ALL DAY LONG. Welcome to the Field of Public Health. Turns out we're not afraid to talk/write about anything and I'm writing a paper about sex that will make up about 50% of my grade.

**Disclaimer**no ACTUAL action going on here, just keyboard typing**

Estrogen Fest!

The public health program I'm in is probably 90% female. Okay, maybe a little less, but it is definitely female dominated. So guys, if you want really great odds in your field of work right now, do public health. It's a little intense for me, coming from the girl who used to solely see approximately 3 guys on a daily basis. But I'm slowly getting used to it. It's easier to get used to than hanging out with a whole group of Asians!

Last night a girl held a potluck dinner at her house and had about a dozen girls from the program over. It was actually a lot of fun. There was food and wine and lots of talking. But I think my favorite part of the night was the sex talk. Don't ask me how we got into it (it was probably my fault). But we discussed glow-in-the-dark condoms, the vibrating ring, and birth control. It was hilarious and probably one of the more relaxing conversations I've had in a while. Now let me tell you, having a dozen or so girls in one room talking at one time is quite entertaining. The more wine you give us, the more animated we seem to get. I had a really good time though.

Now onto a day of homework doing...

This one's a little... depressing?

Have no fear, J, you are still not good enough to get hired for a job. We are delighted to have you read rejection email number 27 that says: "you had a great resume and interview, but you aren't good enough for us to want to hire you." Ding ding ding!

This really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. To the point where I have been completely unproductive this afternoon. Rather than writing the paper that I need to, I have been sleeping to avoid listening to my brain. Though it is only 5ish, I kind of want to drink myself into a stupor and pass out forever. You know, it's one thing to have friends you can hang out with, who will give you a hug when you're having a bad day, and who will sit and sympathize with you (by drinking your sorrows away). It's another to do it by yourself. It's really depressing. I'm depressing... I'm starting to hate myself for this depressing funk I'm in. Too bad I don't know to fix it... other than trying some drugs... Coke or heroin, anyone???